One Two Twelve

Probably shoulda written this yesterday.

I feel as though I am standing on a ridge separating two expansive valleys. One valley is ahead of me, yet to be traversed, and the other behind me, already crossed. Both look similar in landscape, as there are hills and trees and fields and desert shrubs hiding many trails and landmarks in either direction. Where I have come from, I know the terrain. Some tiny details are forgotten, but the most vivid features I will remember for my lifetime, from the happiest fields of flowers to the saddest dying oaks. Where I am going is all new, but I will know how to hike most of it. And yet there will be some streams that I will wonder how the hell to cross. Of that I have no doubt.

In either direction is the profound feeling of vastness when viewed from this high ridge. I need to remember this beauty when I am lost on a trail somewhere ahead, or pushing through a steep climb, upset that the hike isn’t easier. I also need to remember to be grateful for how far I have brought myself, and for those that have helped me all the way across that last valley, and the one before that…

To look back on last year is to appreciate the breadth and depth of my life. It is to congratulate myself on what I have achieved and to mourn the relationships that are no longer as they were. To see example after example of the impermanence of all things. To ponder the unexpected consequences of simple actions. To grin at long-term plans yielding anticipated rewards. My basket is always full of a changing mix of vegetables grown in my own garden and of fruit stumbled upon in the wild.

To look at the valley behind is to mark so many firsts, hundreds of new experiences uncovered. It is also to realize the many circles I have found myself walking. No doubt I will walk some of these loops again until I can clearly see how I do become caught in them. I am never done working it out, navigating the paths and learning what I am capable of.

I no longer seek to be “done”, to get to that final place where I can sit back with a beer forever and all things are simply taken care of. This is just fantasy. I don’t know about heaven in the sky, but I do know that there are many heavens on earth, and if we stay too long in any one of them, their beauty is not sustainable. I know to always keep moving forward. I know I will have many, diverse experiences over the next year. The landscape may change quickly or more slowly, it matters less as my sensitivity to the beautiful nuances of our existence continues to heighten. There is the potential of a lifetime of newness in one instrument, or one city, or one person.

I will try to remember the vastness of these valleys as I descend down into this next one for another year of traveling.

~ by Ezekiel Jay Parnow on January 2, 2012.